This I Believe

It's that feeling I get when she smiles, somewhere between heart-stopping and mind-blowing with all the good bits of being alive. It doesn't feel like enough to say I have a crush on her. I feel as though I have much more at stake for liking her than I do if I like a guy. There is so much beauty in that feeling though, so much beauty in reaching the point when I no longer have anything to gain and have everything to lose, because she is so Beautiful.

The first time I had a crush on a girl, I was confused. I was in seventh grade, and at the time, I had no idea what "bisexuality" meant, or even that it existed. All I knew was that for 13 years I had dreamed of being saved by my prince charming, until that life altering moment when I first dreamed of saving my Beautiful princess.

Now, I know what bisexuality is. I'm still confused. It's impossible for me not to be when she walks by. Everything weighing on my heart disappears, I smile. Before meeting her, I hadn't smiled in a long time. She drives me crazy, in the best possible way.

My best friend knows all about her at this point. Mostly because I won't shut up. When I first told him about liking her, he got quiet for a moment before asking that fatal question. "Is she gay?"

"No." I said, cheerfully.

He was quiet again before saying, very very softly. "I feel bad for you sometimes." When I asked why, he explained softly how he couldn't imagine liking someone who could not possibly like him back, not for his personality, but for his gender.

"Don't." I said, surprised. "It's no different than liking a guy who doesn't like me back," I compared it to when I liked him. We both knew he could never like me back as more than a friend, and so my message struck home. "Look. It's not like I'm going to go ask her out. I know nothing can ever happen, and I'm not going to try and make it happen. I just…want to get to know her better. As a friend…Do you think that's acceptable?" I was suddenly shy in asking this. I don't like second-guessing myself.

He said it was, and once again went quiet before saying, "I just don't want you to get hurt."

Well, what I won't tell him is that it does hurt, but it's a good kind of hurt. It's like when it's raining out. You have to ask yourself, is the sky crying because it's sad, or because it's happy?

She smells like the rain. I didn't go out to learn that, I just happened to stumble onto the knowledge in class one day. I don't regret knowing it, by any means. I love the rain. There is a quote that is more or less "If you want to love someone, associate all your good memories with them." The few good memories I've had recently are all associated with her.

I have learned through liking this girl that even if homosexual marriage is made illegal within the US, the homophobes will still have lost, because love cannot be stopped though legal actions. There is no war that can destroy it, no country to win, no body count to use...because Love is an ever enduring force among every type of sexuality. This I believe.